True Happiness – How I found it?
Here’s my story of my own version of true happiness
I was born into an ordinary family. Even though my family was not wealthy, my father and mother love me and treated me very well. Our family life was quite abundant and blessed, but we have a lack of time and communication to each other.
At my young age, I know I am experiencing the emptiness inside me. I learned how to drink alcohol, bullied by my own so-called friends until I met someone whom I fell in-love with. As young as fifteen year-old I had my serious relationship with him for five years, but since we’re too young for that kind of relationship we realize that we’re not yet ready, we broke up.
My mother diagnosed with breast cancer and I discovered that I am pregnant with my eldest daughter Jireh, I don’t know what will I do, believe me, it’s not easy at all. I became my parent’s big disappointment. I know that time, my father felt the deep devastation. We cannot do anything but to accept these challenges and pray for my mom’s recovery, my safe birth of my daughter and financial assistance. But through this our family became stronger. Afterwards, I continued my schooling and decided to enroll in Jesus Reigns Christian Academy. I was introduced into the church and Jesus Christ, I became his servant by being one of the Discipleship group leaders, but after I’ve finished my associate course, I was again destructed and departed from the ministry.
One day, my mother confessed me that she has this instinct of my father having affair with another woman, since I grew up to be “Daddy’s little girl” I do not believe in her. Although I am longing for their time and affection, my father is one of the finest policemen in Manila. I know being a policeman in our country is not easy and do not have enough time for their family because our country is one of their priorities as well. My mom doesn’t have enough evidence, so I didn’t believe in her. I know it’s normal for her to have depression and anxiety because of her chemotherapy and radiation. Her doctor explained those things to us, but we forgot to give her the love and support she needs, I am confident that my mom is a strong woman. One night my mom cooked my favorite dish “buttered shrimp” and invited my half-sister and family to gather at our house. It’s one of my most unforgettable moments with my mom, our get together with laughter and “Gin” is priceless. Around 4 am she asked “What If I die, what is better? I don’t want to be buried” I answered her, “cremation is better” then she replied “I don’t want to be burned, it will hurt me” I answered “ You will not feel it anymore, at least you can still stay here with us and you will not leave alone in cemetery” this conversation went well and she even told us that she wants to be beautiful on her funeral. Next morning, she asked my father to cook his “adobo” recipe for her, my mom go in her room and locked the door. It’s been a few hours passed by… I knocked, but no one opened the door, the silence of her room gives us the hint to open it forcefully, we found my mom dying. She committed suicide. We bring her into the nearest hospital, but it was too late.
After one year, my father confessed to me that he has another family, I was paralyzed at my father’s betrayal. The fact of his betrayal was like thunder from a clear sky to me. He never showed any prior indication that he would act like this. I could not accept this about him. I sat on the floor and cried bitterly. I asked myself repeatedly, “Why would my father do this to me? Where is my father that I used to know?” Could it be that his pledge of undying love, his tenderness and his care for my mom were all fake? However, now … My father’s betrayal was a huge humiliation to me. I fell so guilty of not believing on my mom’s sentiment and my mom felt alone all those years knowing that no one believes in her. After I grew up, I said myself: “I must find a husband that will treat me well and I must establish a blissful and happy family. This is what is most important. I do not seek riches, I only need to have a loving relationship with my husband and a peaceful family life.”
One day I met this man whom I thought to be my husband, I am in a hurry to escape the pain of my father’s affair and the guilt for my mom’s death. I have no one to cry on and shoulder to lean on, when I met this man I felt in-love again and he became my support system. For the second time around, I’m in-love again, I had my serious relationship with him. During this time my partner worked in Laguna and I am staying with my father in Manila. God blessed us with two sons, Lance and Nigel. At that time, our lives were a little bit hard, I never complained to him. When I’m three months pregnant with our youngest son (Nigel) my partner would frequently call back home and show that he cared for the family. He would also send money back home. Afterward, he would call back less and less, and he would send very little money back home. In the end, it became so severe that he did not send any money back home and it would be a very long time before he phoned home. My father shoulders all the expenses for us, until one day he returned home. I confronted him, and he confessed everything about his affair from his co-worker. Again I’m in so much pain and asked my father “why men kept on cheating?”. He looked at me and embraced me, he cannot say any words. Still I don’t want to ruin my own family and give my child’s a broken family. I forgive him for the sake of our family. I said my partner that I am pregnant with our youngest son and he refused it and want an abortion. Still, as a mother, I cannot abort my child, I carried him and gave birth to him without enough vitamins and regular check-up. I’ve decided to live with him at Laguna for the sake of our family, even though our love is not as strong like before. I choose to stay with him, he ended up his affair with the other woman and switch into another company. In an effort, to reduce my partner’s responsibility I worked as Casino dealer in Makati. Everyday I am struggling with traffic, commuting from Makati to Laguna and shifting schedule. My partner spends too much time with friends more than us (his family). I told to him what I felt but, I was ignored. I told to him that I want a separation and end our relationship, but he does not believe on me. I am so ignored and neglected. Because of what he did before (his affair), my ex-boyfriend did, and my father did to my mom, I have developed this trust issue and became heartless. All I know is that I need to earn money and secure my children’s future. One of my friends invited me to work in Laos as a casino dealer, I grab the opportunity since I know that money is all that my family is needed. That time no one talked to me if how I am doing, If I am okay and again, I felt so lonely and alone. I am unhappy and felt unloved. I talked to my partner about the offer abroad and as expected, he showed his full support on my decision and take me for granted.
Meanwhile, When I’m away, still no one message me to ask if how I am doing unless if they needed money. I sent money every month for the house and my children expenses until one day my communication with my old schoolmate has renewed he became my husband now, yes, it’s Ralph. He used to be my older brother since he is three years ahead of me. He showed me the care and love I am longing, he became an all over man to me. Our relationship became deep and strong. As days came from, I found myself in the same shoe with my father. I just realized what my father did that I couldn’t understand is now happening to me. From abroad, I called my father, after a couple of months without communication with him I talked to him. I asked for his forgiveness because of my bitterness and I told him that I understand everything he did. He said “Why? Are you having an affair or in love with somebody else?” I answered, “Yes daddy I am, but he’s not here with me, he is living in Manila. He is my schoolmate way back high school and college”. My father again asked me “Do you still love and happy with your ex?” I replied “No, I’m not, but we’re married” way back when I’m pregnant with my eldest son (Lance), my father arranged my wedding with him since we decided to get married. Luckily my father confessed to me that our marriage was void and not legally registered. It wasn’t registered, and he do not trust that man for me but to show his support to me, he arranged everything according to his way. My father told me “Child, BE HONEST to yourself and to your children, that is the lesson you should learn from me, do not pretend in front of your children, it’s useless. Do what is right and be strong to face the consequences, Show for your children that you are brave enough to be honest to yourself and to them” that time I felt so confident to make a decision to never turn back on my ex. That is the last heart to heart talk we had. From this incident I lost some of my friends, I lied to them and hide them in my real-life story because I was afraid of rejection. Few months later before my father died, Ralph introduces himself alone to my father, because I’m too far from them. After that, We found out that my father and Ralph’s late father used to be a close friend, and both are policemen during their time. Few weeks later, my father died, I must go back to the Philippines to attend his funeral. I resigned to my job, and go back to my country, jobless, homeless, full of debt from my ex-co-workers, alone and devastated because of my lost. I felt that I did not have any dignity to continued living. I cannot describe that pain I have that time. Depression and anxiety, break in my mind. I do not know how I will stand up again, I must leave my children’s custody to their father because I don’t have any place to go and I know that I need to fix myself first to be a better mom for them. I am jealous to other millennial who were same on my age and yet they have a good life, at the age of 23 I have to stand by myself. I questioned God, Why he let me to be like this?
At that time when I was completely disheartened, I encountered Almighty God’s salvation. I lost my life direction and purpose and I even wanted to give up myself. When I read God’s words, I could see the hope of life and my heart found peace. Through the help of social media, I found a pastor preaching thru YouTube and it encourages us to go to church. We go to Jesus Reigns Ministry and heard the scriptures that bring me to life “I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me” – Philippians 4:13 way back college this scripture really motivates me. Ralph and I started to study and read the bible. Time crawls by, I found a new job, few months later I paid all my debts and found myself back on track again until my husband and I found that I’m pregnant, again the Lord continue to bless us and fulfill his promises to us. We got married and give birth to a healthy baby girl “Inarah”. He gave me the dream I have prayed for since childhood. Now, I am officially married, a full-time mom and a happy wife. We benefit daily from God’s words. Inside our hearts, we have peace and joy and our lives are full of hope. Thank You Almighty God for guiding me onto the correct path of life and for giving me a genuine family. Here, I have found true happiness! I am willing to follow Jesus forever!